Happily Ranting

Project Ivy and the curse of comparison.

From the moment Ivy was born she has been battling with the curse of comparison. My baby sleeps thought the night, does Ivy? Is she crawling yet, so and so did at 6 months? My baby was talking by now, his baby was walking by now……you get the picture. With a cousin a few weeks younger they have both been comparing weighs since birth! Sometimes I get stressed – she has not hit this mile stone, that baby has done that why hasn’t she and I miss her truly wonderfulness!!! I miss her awesome Ivy-ness as I’m too busy at looking at all the other babies around her to see what she is like!!!!!!!!!!

Sadly I don’t know if Ivy will ever be able to escape this life of comparison. Now its developmental milestones, but soon it will be her educational intelligence marked by how she compares to her peers, her skills, her character…..and on and on and before long it won’t be those around her who will be comparing her, she’ll be doing it for herself. It won’t be long before she is judging herself by what she perceives others to think of her. Those perceptions will affect how she feels about herself, will moderate her behaviour and shape her decisions. To be fair – to not be a complete odd ball there are some social norms and behaviours she could subscribe too – but hey I’ll take a little strangeness if it equals freedom and uniqueness.

I wonder at what age that transition happens – when others stop being the only ones comparing us and we do it for ourselves. I know that I construct my identity by my perception of what others think and how they look!

The Gok method of placing women in a line up of size and getting his makeover-e to enter the line where they think they fit is a fascinating exercise. 1. because the woman is always wrong, placing herself several sizes bigger than she is ( because, of course, big is bad!!!!!Ummmm) and 2. because she can not truly see herself until she sees herself in the context of others! So we perceive ourselves by looking at another – and constantly get it wrong! When did we all become some blind?

All through this I am be using the word perception in relation to what others are thinking, as blatantly I’m just guessing at what is going on in their heads. The dialogue I write for my onlookers is solely scripted by me! I have decided what people think of me, my behaviour, and life choices rarely in discussion with them. I have let their judgement change me – when truly that judgement may not even exist!

Its interesting how I make myself a better person than all my invisible critics! In that I mean I rarely look at someone and think negatively of them,(I would love to say never!!!!) yet I assume others do just that in regards to me! I see someone dancing with their children in the park I think wow, what fun they are all having, yet I don’t dance, as someone may think I am a weirdo! I see someone doing, wearing, saying, being and I think good on them – yet hold myself back, assuming my onlookers are not as nice as me!!!! When did I become so full of myself?

Last rant I talked about my amazing friend who was choosing life. One of the hardest challenges she faced in her decision making was her perception of how people would see her decision. She was worried people would see her as lazy. That fear nearly robbed her of true living – luckily she is braver than may of us!

That comparison is also defined by how we see our role. I know as a mother I feel in constant comparison to my peers. I watch what they do, to understand myself as a mother. Their successes are often a cue to criticise myself for doing differently. We hear of another’s promotion, and as well as celebrating their triumph we feel a professional failure!

Breastfeeding is a great example. After a bout of sickness when Ivy was 8 months old I had no supplies of expressed milk left, and my flow was seriously reduced by my lack of eating for several days. Ivy was hungry – and I needed to go out. So we used a formula bottle! Now I have no problem with formula, and have always supported my friends who have gone down that route. But I felt a failure – not because I had given her formula, but because a fellow Mum had never, and I had subconsciously set myself up in comparison with them!!!! Their experiences were completely different – their child a totally different, yet suddenly I was faced with my blatant subconscious periscope to them. My parenting was being shaped by my them and how I perceived them to be watching me!!!! Project Ivy is doomed – I am an idiot!!!!

So how do we stop – how do we stop the Gok effect? Perceiving ourselves by looking at another – and constantly get it wrong! Gosh I wish I knew… I desperately want to save Ivy from it!

I guess the key is truth!

Truth One: I’m blind!

I once read that looking to someone else to see yourself is like two blind people looking in a mirror asking how they look! None of us see clearly. We all see the world from very slanted view point. Anais Nin – a French write very astutely said “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” Realising this truth could be revolutionary. I hope to truly realise that what I see or perceive is generated my me and is 9 out of 10 times incorrect, or biased. That judgement, view, comparison that I based in another’s voice is mine and mine alone! Okay – people will judge me- but I have to decide if I will invest in that thought and give it value – I also have to decide if I will expand on it and give it the right to dictate my actions.

Truth Two: My neighbour ain’t sorted either!

Ever seen someone around for a while and created a whole character for them? Oh just me then!!! My life is full of ‘Super Mums’, ‘Beautiful people’, ‘to cool for schools’…..people better than me, whose success marks my failure! People who absolutely would not want to know me! They have voices, characters and are – well perfect! Well the other day I spoke to one of them, and their voice surprised me, it didn’t sound like the one in my head!!!! Seriously, I am always shocked when I talk to people beyond the superficial, and discover they are just as flawed, insecure and treading water as much as I am. The swan principle….they look serene on the surface, but under their legs are going like the clappers, and it is not that pretty looking! John Ortberg wrote a book called Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them. Couldn’t say it better myself!! My heroes are just as flawed when I really look! I always remember being a newly wed and chatting to two friends about marriage. We had all been married under a year and they had been waxing lyrically on how great life was – when I was asked how my life was I opened up on how hard I was finding it. How relentless I found sharing my space, and always thinking of someone else first was a challenge I felt I was constantly failing at! I was shocked and relieved when both their façades slipped and they shared equal tribulations! I had been sitting there feeling a failure – when in fact I was an equal! Honesty led to really seeing how I was as a wife, and was the turning point in healing. By removing the impossible and unreal comparatives – I could see myself for the first time – and I wasn’t too bad!!!!

So I have decided that I am an island!!!! Not relationally, but comparatively. There is no one like me, I am unique, gifted and strange – and comparing myself will only sell all those involved short. I may become a weirdo – but I’ll be free, and I’ve decided that’s better!

“Man can alter his life by altering his thinking.” -William James

Project Ivy and the pursuit of self acceptance

As I stood and watched my stunning friend (now I say this not because she is a looker – even though she is, but internally as well she is creative, encouraging, empathic, caring, generous and generally fab) stand and critique herself in the mirror with negativity I found myself shouting at her. ‘Oy don’t say that in front of Ivy, what’s that teaching her?’ My 5 month old daughter was gazing at us both, her wide brown eyes taking us both in. Now of course I can’t blame my friend – in fact I had done a similar self-deprecating rant myself moments earlier! So it is at this moment ‘Project Ivy’ was born! Our totally fictional project to encourage us to become women that inspire Ivy and model positive femininity to her. We now award each other ‘badges’ when we do something amazing, wonderful, brave, or simply just utter positives about ourselves!

Why is it that my contemporaries and I find it so hard to be positive about ourselves? I can’t even accept it from others! You tell me you like my top – I will tell you how I bought it in a sale. Where along the line did it become acceptable behaviour to bag ourselves out at every possible opportunity? When I was pregnant my husband used to get so mad at me, as he said when I was dissing myself, I was also dissing his unborn daughter – and that wasn’t acceptable! Acceptable – how did this negativity ever become acceptable – or normal?

I wonder if its generational – but then I hear my mum and her generation’s own mantas of self loathing! Their negatives may not be the same as mine, but they are equally as ingrained! I wonder if it is gender specific – sadly I think it might be a more prevalent epidemic, or at least more vocal, in the female of the species, although I think insecurity is rife regardless of gender.

So where does it come from? Is this monologue of criticism inbuilt? Is Project Ivy null and void, as despite what I model my wide eyed girl is destined to loathing? Oh I hope not! Can I spare her from it? Oh I can dare to dream!

Personally I think its learnt and as this is my blog and not a sociology essay I don’t have to prove that hypothesis! I think we pick up on the cues of normative behaviour from all around us – and self deprecation is there for all to see! I could blame the media and its fixation on physical perfection for creating unachievable airbrushed ideals, but having grown up surrounded by ‘beauty industry’ insiders that medium has never had much sway for me (although for others I know it does) . It could be our void of viable role models as all men must be heroes, and women damsels in need of rescuing. It may be the negativity of a collective society who relish in the fall of the successful to such an extent we have mechanisms in place to to bring about their destruction – oh you have got to love the tabloids! It could be the whisperings of self-deprecating that has been modelled from one generation to another becoming the tribal chants of modernity. However I think the biggest problem is me! In so many areas of life I believe I have choice – yet why have I taken the mantel of hatred as given? Why have I checked my brains at the door and decided that it is acceptable to dislike myself? I am always quoting Eleanor Roosevelt - No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. When did I sign the consent form, because I am living like I have! So today I choose empowerment, I choose the happy acceptance of compliments, the joyous celebration of my individuality and an underling heart murmur of self-liking! Lets see how long that lasts!!! (oh no – negativity already!)

So I’m scouting for members! I’m on the hunt for people brave enough to say ‘I like myself’. Will you dare join Project Ivy and the pursuit of self acceptance?